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Mortality… Urgency… What are You Doing With Your Life?

by Sophie - Foresight, personal communication - June 10, 2008

 

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In the past year three escorts, that I knew, died. Actually, I lied. I knew two of them well, at the level that we shared stuff on the phone only friends share. The third I only knew somewhat.

The two I knew didn’t live a very healthy life. One was bulimic to fight the weight gain. Like wanting to have her cake and eat it too…. She had liposuctions, tummy tuck, chin tuck, breast tuck…cosmetic surgeries… Then she fell and hit her leg, a blood clot went up to her heart and killed her. She was around 38. I corresponded with her 16 year old for a while after she died. Shook me up… you can only imagine, right?

The other one was about my age, always working, always trying to add just another appointment, we once had dinner, she had 3 phones with her, right on the table… and they kept on ringing… She was always finding another way to make more money and keep thin… I could have seen it coming. She died, at age 60, totally used up.

I could not sleep for a few nights.

Why am I sharing this with you, you ask? Do I want to shake you up? Maybe.

Hear me out:

Two weeks ago I woke up at 4 am from a bad dream. The dream was that I was doomed, that there was no place to hide, the killer will find me and kill me… and he did. I hid under a bed with a thick mattress… it didn’t stop the long thin blade penetrating the mattress and me under it.

I knew it wasn’t just a bad dream. I knew it had meaning, but I didn’t quite know what.

Next night, same time I was jerked out of deep sleep… this time with the crystal clear sense that I didn’t have much time left. Wow. That’s serious.

I stayed in bed and started to make a list in my head of the things I would need to do, given that I didn’t have much time left. All the legal stuff, all the money stuff. Leaving my apartment clean and almost empty so that the landlord doesn’t curse me while he gets rid of “my stuff”.

I wrote in my online schedule book, for every day: “Live life as if this were your last few months. Put your affairs in order. Sell off what you can. Give away what you can. Lighten up the load. Think of what you are leaving behind. Some stuff should go to someone. Some should simply not be here…”

I was unusually calm and clear. Even though, if I died today, I would leave a life behind that is insignificant… not many people would come to my funeral, or even care.

And that thought lead to the question: Shall I scramble to do something in this little time left that merits significance… as far as my life goes? What shall I do?

Then I had another insight: Human beings’ ONLY birthright is freedom of choice. And therefore no fate is irreversible, you can avert any catastrophe, death is not necessary, though we live like it is. But it is a lie, and therefore it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I saw, that attending to my well-being, both physical and spiritual, is more important and more urgent than dreaming up some significant action to take…

And when I am well, when I don’t have to do anything because I am already happy and fulfilled and live a divine life… then I may want to do something… something that is worth giving a life to.

According to Judaism and the Kabbalah, our job, as human beings, is to become the best human beings we can become in a lifetime, and the rest of our wants are ego-wants… you can take it or leave it.

And this is, maybe, why I wrote this article, to wake you up to the fact that many ego-wants are robbing you of life, real life, and they are not necessary. And that taking care of your well-being is your number one job. Everything comes from that, through that.

Not the other way around.

Tags: Foresight · personal communication

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